Cheese eating rescue monkeys

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Tuesday February 07, 2006 · 4:40 PM PST

2006/02/07 · 16:40

Does anybody know whether the French would consent to take New Orleans (and Louisiana) back? After all, it seems that they care more about New Orleans than the U.S. government does.

Screw the U.S... if the United States won't fix the levees and make New Orleans safe for business, maybe the French will. Read More

Cindy Sheehan! ROFL!

badtux

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Tuesday January 31, 2006 · 11:14 PM PST

2006/01/31 · 23:14

Wandered by a right-wing circle-jerk discussing Bush's State of the Union address. It went something like this:

WingNut 1: "Cindy Sheehan!"
WingNut 2: "Bwhahahahah!"
Wingnut 3: "Left-wing hates America!"
Wingnut 1: "Hahahhahaha! ROFL!"
WIngnut 2: "Grief whore!"
Wingnut 3: "LOL!"

Man, the jizzum was just a'collectin' on the floor in the middle of these dudes. I left'em a bit of advice, but I doubt they'll listen to it. They're having too much fun standing in a circle yanking each other's knobs. So here's basically what I told them: Read More

Parties of Mass Destruction!

badtux

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Saturday January 14, 2006 · 9:38 PM PST

2006/01/14 · 21:38

Well, it seems that our latest attempt to zap the #2 guy of al Qaeda (which one? The 4,324,432'th #2 guy we've tried to zap, or the 4,324,433'th #2 guy we've tried to zap?) was about as accurate as George W. Bush's pre-war statements on Iraq. Didn't get the dude, but sure bombed that party flat.

Yeppers. Similar to our Brave Leader's "decapitation strike" upon Saddam Hussein that took out the Restaurant of Mass Destruction, our airedale SecDef, Rummy the Crabfat Fishhead, was trumpeting that we got Osama's #2 (who was formerly Osama's shoe-shine boy, before we got the 4,324,420th and 4,324,421st #2 guys for al Qaeda, who were formerly his beautician and his manicurist respectively). Read More

If today's Americans had been around in 1775

badtux

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Thursday January 12, 2006 · 2:44 PM PST

2006/01/12 · 14:44

April 18, 1775, Lexington, Massachusetts:

The scene: A grubby bar and grill. Several men are watching a basketball game while discussing who they think will win the championship this year, the Boston Tea Men or the Philadelphia Oat Men.

Suddenly, the door opens, and Paul Revere enters the bar:

Paul Revere: The British are coming, the British are coming!

Man 1: Maybe we should hold a protest march.

Man 2: No, they'd just ignore us or maybe even arrest us and we'd lose our jobs. There's nothing to be done about it.

Man 3: Look, King George is King. You're a traitor if you don't agree with King George.

Man 4: Shuddup, you idiots, look, the Tea Men are about to force the game into overtime! Watch Samuel Adams drive on Patrick Henry, woot!

[ Continued ]] Read More

Democracy: The youth are our future?

badtux

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Tuesday December 13, 2005 · 1:19 PM PST

2005/12/13 · 13:19

So preacheth Brother Driftglass. He may even be right. But history doesn't seem to support his optimism.

So what does history show? What history shows is something entirely different: a nation of sheep. Read More

Fear and intimidation: how to suppress free speech

badtux

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Wednesday December 07, 2005 · 10:54 AM PST

2005/12/07 · 10:54

Let's say you have a prominent critic. He's a university professor. He blasts your policies on Israel and the Middle East as being fundamentally immoral, and backs this up with facts. The weekly talk shows are starting to invite him on, and his presentation there is devastating -- he comes across as a regular dude with a lot on the ball, rather than some kook. What do you do, if you're a Bush Administration official? Read More

Censorship: A new American value

badtux

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Sunday December 04, 2005 · 1:49 PM PST

2005/12/04 · 13:49

To: Mr. Kevin P. Reilly, Jr.
Chairman & CEO
Lamar Advertising Co.
5551 Corporate Blvd.
Baton Rouge, LA 70808

Dear Mr. O'Reilly: I want to thank you for upholding fine Republican values by refusing to run billboard ads commissioned by the Democratic National Committee. That took balls. I've heard of folks censoring third party political ads, but this is the first time I heard of someone turning down an ad by a national political party, and you're going to come under a lot of fire for that. Read More

Swift boaters, to me! Attack, my flying monkeys, attack!

badtux

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Thursday November 17, 2005 · 1:56 PM PST

2005/11/17 · 13:56

Like the Wicked Witch of the East summoning her minions to attack Dorothy, the Bush Administration, stung by the servile press suddenly reporting that Bush lied to get us into war in Iraq (or at the very least presented only the intelligence that supported his position to Congress and the general public, and ignored the intelligence that did not support his agenda), has summoned its flying swift boat monkeys to attack the truth-tellers.

In response, hoards of swift boat monkeys, flapping their little wings mightily while hooting and howling and flinging feces with fervant vigor, have dispatched themselves to regularly whine that the Democrats are "rewriting history" when they say that they were deceived by the Bush Administration. Read More

Good news from Iraq!

badtux

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Tuesday October 18, 2005 · 3:31 PM PDT

2005/10/18 · 15:31

The new Constitution passed with 120% of the vote, as graveyards all over Iraq turned out in record numbers! Read More

Woohoo! Good news for Louisiana businesses!

badtux

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Thursday October 13, 2005 · 12:13 PM PDT

2005/10/13 · 12:13

I was listening to WWL-AM (New Orleans) last night, and found out that the SBA has really gotten cranking on those disaster relief loans for Louisiana businesses trying to rebuild from KatrinaRita. They've pumped up their numbers by 50% in the past week -- from 4 loans, to 6! Read More

In a smoky room, pots discuss the color of kettles

badtux

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Wednesday September 28, 2005 · 4:21 PM PDT

2005/09/28 · 16:21

It was a dark and stormy day in Washington D.C. In a smoke-filled room, the Usual Suspects met. But today was different. Today there was pressure, extra pressure from outside, pressure that could result in their losing control of the most important thing of all: their loot. Read More

There's somethin' happenin' here...

badtux

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Wednesday September 14, 2005 · 5:36 PM PDT

2005/09/14 · 17:36

The Internets are rife with conspiracy theories about the Katrina aftermath in New Orleans. Conspiracy theorists talk about levees being blown up by explosives, the evacuees from New Orleans being transported to concentration camps, the dead bodies being "disappeared" by the Bush administration and its cronies in order to hide the final death toll, and other seemingly-bizarre stuff of that nature.

My first inclination is to dismiss all of that out of hand under the "never attribute to malice what can be reliably attributed to incompetence" maxim. I mean, we're talking about the BUSH ADMINISTRATION. A bunch of dimwit numbskulls whose only core competency is the ability to scare the American people into voting for them. Yet... yet... that said, something funny has been going on here, and even though I can't put my finger on it, it stinks to high heaven. Read More

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